Strong on the Outside, Hurting on the Inside: Suicide in Men
- Stephen
- Sep 11
- 4 min read
Last week I wrote about why we need to look beyond the headlines on male suicide – moving past the “three out of four”statistic to the deeper pathways of silence, self-criticism, and isolation that place men at risk.
This week, I want to take that conversation a step further. Because suicide doesn’t always look the way we expect it to. If we only picture a man who is visibly depressed, tearful, or talking openly about wanting to die, we risk missing the reality: many men hide their pain behind a mask of coping.
When most people picture someone who’s suicidal, the image is usually the same: a person visibly depressed, withdrawn, perhaps even talking openly about wanting to die. We imagine tears, despair, and a clear cry for help and that's usually not the case when we are looking at suicide in men.
For many men (and as it has recently become increasingly clear, teenage boys as well) that picture doesn’t match reality. Suicide often hides in plain sight.
The mask of coping in Men and Boys
Some of the men and boys at highest risk are those who appear to be holding it all together. They’re the ones cracking jokes with friends, and posting photos online; working long hours and presenting a mask that suggests life is fine. Inside, though, things may feel very different.
Dr Susie Bennett’s research into suicide has highlighted how self-criticism and perfectionism can drive feelings of failure and increase risk. Men who set impossibly high standards for themselves - in work, relationships, or simply how they 'should' cope - often see vulnerability as a weakness - as failure. The pressure to 'manage' on their own becomes crushing.
This is why it’s dangerous to rely on stereotypes. If we only look for visible despair, we risk missing the reality that’s in front of us.
What suicide in men can really look like
The truth is that suicide doesn’t always look the way we might expect. It could look like:
Working longer hours or training harder than usual, in an attempt to stay busy to drown out pain.
Irritability or flashes of anger that mask feelings of hopelessness.
Withdrawing from close relationships - sometimes quietly, but perhaps suddenly.
Risk-taking or recklessness that seems out of character.
'Tying up loose ends' or giving things away.
Comments about being a burden (or not wanting to be a burden) - even when said as a joke.
Sometimes there are no outward signs at all - and that’s really important to recognise, especially for those left behind trying to work out why. Some men and boys just become so skilled at masking distress that even those closest to them don’t see behind it.
For teenagers, the picture is even more complex. Adolescence brings huge changes in mood, identity, and behaviour. Online spaces can offer connection and support - but also expose boys to harmful content or AI-driven searches that provide answers without human care or safeguarding. The line between 'typical teenage behaviour' and signs of deep distress can become blurred. That’s why, rather than relying on stereotypes, we need to stay curious and normalise keeping lines of communication open.
Why Suicide Stereotypes Are Dangerous
The stereotyped belief of the visibly depressed man waiting to be helped can lull us into false reassurance. If he isn’t crying or visibly struggling, it’s too easy to assume he’s okay. But it’s important to remember that men often express distress differently - sometimes through silence; sometimes through anger; sometimes through humour… and yes, that does make it difficult.
By expecting one picture; we miss the many realities. By missing them; we leave men and boys feeling even more unseen.
The Role of Connection in Suicide Prevention
Prevention is not only the work of charities and professionals - though therapy and support groups are vital. It’s also about everyday connections: mates who check in, parents who notice shifts in mood, colleagues who are willing to ask twice.
I often fear that asking directly about suicide might 'put the idea into someone’s head.' Research shows the opposite. This is something that Dr Rory O’Connor talks about in his book ‘When it is Darkest’. Asking 'Have you been thinking about taking your life?' does not plant a seed - it offers an opportunity for relief. It opens a door that can feel impossible for someone to open alone.
For men and boys themselves, connection is equally important. Suicidal thoughts don’t mean weakness. They signal that the pain has become unbearable. The instinct might be to withdraw, but survival so often depends on the opposite: reaching out. Even if the words aren’t clear, a simple 'I’m not okay' can be enough to open the conversation.
A Different Conversation About Male Suicide
If suicide doesn’t always look like we expect, then prevention means widening our perspective and rethinking the assumptions we carry. In last week’s article, I explored the broader pressures that lead boys and men towards silence: self-criticism, isolation, and the weight of expectation. This week adds another layer: recognising that behind the strongest faces can lie the deepest pain
The truth is, there are no easy checklists. Suicide is complex, deeply personal, and often invisible until it feels too late. But the more we challenge stereotypes, the more space we create for honest conversation - with our sons, our brothers, our mates, and ourselves.
Every time we challenge the stereotype, we chip away at the silence that holds so many men back. Every time we open a space for honesty, we remind the boys and men in our lives that it’s okay to be human: vulnerable, imperfect, and still worthy of life. Every time we look a little closer, listen a little deeper, and refuse to accept the mask at face value, we give life another chance for connection.
The more we can challenge these assumptions, the more chance we have of saving lives. If this article has struck a chord, please share it. You never know who might need to read it today. If you’ve recognised yourself in these words, remember that you don’t have to carry that weight alone - reaching out could be the first step back towards hope.
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