“But Other People Have It Worse”: Why Men Dismiss Their Own Pain

Stephen
Aug 1
3 min read

It’s a phrase I hear almost every week in therapy:

“Other people have it worse.”

On the surface, it sounds humble - even noble. A way of keeping perspective. A sign that someone doesn’t want to complain.

But dig a little deeper, and you’ll often find something else underneath:

A quiet dismissal of their own pain.

When Men Minimise Their Struggles

Just the other day, two different clients said almost the exact same thing.

Both were talking about feelings of frustration, loneliness, and disconnection. And both, towards the end of our conversation, shrugged and said some version of:

“But I’ve had it easy really. Other people are going through real stuff.”

These weren’t men having an easy time.They were struggling. They were overwhelmed. They were carrying more than they realised.

Yet, they were brushing off their experience as though it didn’t count.

“I Should Be Grateful”

It’s a story I’ve heard many times:

“It’s not that bad.”
“I should be thankful.”
“I’ve got a roof over my head - what am I moaning about?”
“There are people with real problems.”

I get it - perspective can be a powerful thing. But here’s the truth:

Minimising your pain doesn’t make you stronger. It just makes you silent.

And that silence? It often turns into shame.

Man holding his head in his hands in shame — Photo by Filipe Pepelaquin on Unsplash

What’s Really Going On when men dismiss pain?

The belief that “other people have it worse” is rarely about genuine empathy. It’s often a way of denying yourself permission to feel.

It’s like saying:

“What I’m going through doesn’t count.”
“Unless it’s the worst, it’s not valid.”
“I shouldn’t need help for this.”

But pain isn’t a competition.You don’t have to win the ‘who’s had it worse’ Olympics to deserve support.

Your struggles matter. Your pain is real. Even if someone else is carrying more - it doesn’t make your load any lighter.

Where Does This Belief Come From?

Many men have grown up with messages like:

“Get on with it.”
“Don’t make a fuss.”
“Stop complaining.”
“Man up.”

So it becomes second nature to downplay pain – to bottle it up, power through, or compare it away.

It’s like standing in the pouring rain and saying, “Well, at least it’s not a thunderstorm.” You’re still soaked!

What Happens When We Stop Comparing?

Here’s what I’ve noticed in my work:

When a man finally allows himself to feel what he’s been minimising - without judgement - something changes.

He softens. He reconnects. He stops bracing against the world and starts listening to himself.

Not because his story is the worst. But because it matters to him - and that’s enough.

How Do We Shift This?

Sometimes, I gently challenge the belief by asking:

“Would you say the same to a friend?”

Most men wouldn’t. They’d offer kindness, support, maybe even a hug.So why not offer that same care to yourself?

Or I’ll offer this reframe:

“What if it’s okay to struggle… even if someone else is struggling too?”

Because it is okay.

What I Want Men to Know

You don’t need to earn support by being broken.You don’t have to keep proving your pain is real.You’re allowed to feel - even if your life looks “fine” from the outside.

Your feelings are valid, even if they’re messy. Even if you can’t explain them. Even if someone else “has it worse.”