What's the Problem with Being the 'Nice Guy'?

For the next few articles, I've decided to change tack and and invite you to reflect on the questions I’ve posed and answered myself - and which I also often hear from the men I work with.

Question: I’ve always thought it’s a good thing to be a ‘nice guy’? What’s the problem?

On the surface, there’s nothing wrong with being kind, considerate, or easy-going. In fact, we need more of that in the world - more humanity. However, here’s the distinction: Being nice isn’t the same as being whole - being your full true self.

The “nice guy” behaviour I’m referring to isn’t about being genuinely good-hearted. I’ve not got a problem with that. The problem comes when it’s about playing it safe; avoiding conflict; suppressing your needs in order to be liked or accepted.

While that might work in the short term, over time it leaves you feeling resentful, misunderstood, and deeply disconnected from yourself.

Question: Where does this behaviour come from? Why do so many men fall into the ‘nice guy’ trap?

Most men I work with didn’t wake up one day and decide to disconnect from their anger or ignore their needs. This is a pattern that usually starts in childhood.

For many, being “nice” was how they stayed safe, felt loved, or kept out of trouble. Maybe it’s because Dad was hyper-critical; or Mum relied on them emotionally. Maybe emotions like anger or sadness were unacceptable and shut down from an early age with messages like “don’t cry” “man up” or “don’t answer back”.

So the lesson they learned was to be agreeable; to keep the peace and to put others first - often costing them a sense of who they really were.

Over time, this becomes more than just a coping strategy - it becomes ingrained - an integral part of your identity.

Question: What does ‘nice guy’ behaviour actually look like in adult men?

The behaviour often shows up in subtle ways, like:

• Saying ‘yes’ when what you really want to say is ‘no’

• Avoiding conflict at all costs - even when something’s not okay and you can feel it in your gut.

• Struggling to set boundaries or speak up and ask for what you need

• Feeling you’re responsible for how others feel

• Bottling up your anger, before eventually snapping - or shutting down

• Seeking approval through overworking, overachieving or being too generous

It’s something I recognise in myself - I’ve caught myself in many of the above patterns. At various points in my life, I’ve mistaken being overachieving for being the best. I‘ve thought that staying quiet in relationships has meant I was being kind. In reality, I was terrified of rejection. I didn’t know how to ask for what I needed, let alone what I actually needed.

Photo by Ian Wood Photography

Question: What’s the emotional cost of all this?

That mask of ‘niceness’ can be a heavy weight to wear.

Over time, it can lead to:

• Resentment in relationships - especially when you feel taken for granted

• Loneliness - even in friendships or partnerships

• Low self-worth - because your value is tied to how useful you feel or pleasing you are

• Passive anger or frustration

• A nagging sense that something is missing - even when everything looks ‘fine’ on paper

Here’s the hard reality: People-pleasing doesn’t lead to deeper connection. It actually gets in the way of it.

If you’re always showing people the version of you that keeps the peace; they never really get to know the real you - and sadly, neither do you.

Question: So what’s the alternative? What does a healthy version of masculinity look like instead?

The opposite of being a ‘nice guy’ isn’t being an arrogant jerk. It’s being honest, grounded, and in touch with your true values.

That might mean:

• Saying what you really think - even if it might not land well with people

• Setting clear boundaries  - without feeling guilty about it

• Allowing yourself to feel and express anger in healthy ways

• Leading with clarity rather than passivity

• Asking for what you need - and letting that be enough

This takes deep inner work. It takes unlearning the idea that love has to be earned through self-sacrifice or through silence. Believe me, not easy - but it is worth it!

Why? Because when you drop the mask and show up as your true self, something really powerful happens: You stop performing - and start living with integrity.

Question: Where do I start if this hits home?

if you recognise yourself in any of the above, here are a few starting points:

1. Get honest about your patterns.

Ask yourself:

• Where do I say ‘yes’ when I actually mean ‘no’?

• Who do I feel I need to please in order to be okay?

• What am I afraid would happen if I showed up more honestly?

Awareness is the first step. You can’t change what you’re not willing to name.

2. Start small with boundaries.

You don’t need to overhaul your life overnight. Just begin by saying:

• “I need to think about that” instead of instantly agreeing

• “I’m not able to do that right now” when you’re stretched thin

• “Actually, that doesn’t sit right with me” when something feels off

It might feel uncomfortable at first - but that’s okay. Discomfort isn’t danger; it’s growth.

3. Reconnect with your values.

Being ‘nice’ often means abandoning your own deep sense of what really matters. Instead, try asking:

• What kind of man do I want to be?

• What do I want to stand for?

• What would it look like to lead from strength, rather than fear?

Values give you a compass to follow - which means you’re no longer led by guilt or the need to be liked.

4. Talk to someone.

You don’t have to figure this out alone. You could go through these questions with a trusted friend and get some support. 

Alternatively, therapy could help you untangle the roots of these behaviours and give you the support you need in building a new, more authentic way of being.

It’s not about fixing you, but helping you reclaim the parts of yourself you had to hide to survive.

Final thoughts

Being a ‘nice guy’ often comes from a good place. However, when it’s rooted in fear or the need for approval, it limits how fully you can live, love, and lead.

Doing the work isn’t about becoming someone else. It’s about becoming more yourself. Not softer, not harder, but stronger in ways that truly matter.

If this resonates with you, I’d love to hear your thoughts, your questions or your answers. 

I’d also be happy to walk alongside you as you begin to explore what’s underneath.