The Silence of Shame: How Childhood Sexual Abuse Shapes the Lives of Boys and Men
The National Day of Awareness for Childhood Sexual Abuse, held on 23rd September, exists to open up the conversation and challenge the misplaced shame survivors so often carry. For boys and men, that conversation is long overdue. Male survivors of childhood sexual abuse are too often unseen, and the impact of what happened to them can shape their mental fitness, their relationships and their sense of self for decades.
Where the story often begins
From the very beginning of my work as a therapist, I have sat with men who are survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Given that my first placement was in addiction recovery with The Well Communities, that is hardly surprising. So often, the drinking, the using or the gambling turns out to be a way of managing something that happened long before any of those behaviours began. The substance or the habit is rarely the whole story. More often it is the thing a man turned to when there was nothing else available to help him cope with the weight he was carrying.
I also write this as a survivor myself. That experience shapes how I sit with the men I work with, and why this subject matters so much to me.
Dissociation: when the mind protects the child
Alongside substances and behaviours, there is often another way of coping that is far less visible. For many boys, the only way to survive what was happening was to go somewhere else in their minds while it happened, and to bury the memories afterwards. For a child with no one to turn to, and without the language or emotional capacity to process what is happening, this form of dissociation becomes an act of self-protection. The mind shields him from what he cannot yet bear.
The difficulty is that what gets buried doesn't simply go away. Memories that have never been processed can surface years later in unexpected ways: a sudden wave of panic, a feeling of numbness or disconnection, a body that tenses in certain situations for no obvious reason, or whole periods of childhood that feel strangely blank. Some men describe living slightly outside their own lives, going through the motions without ever feeling fully present. Without the chance to make sense of what happened, the past keeps shaping the present, often without the man himself understanding why.
The weight of guilt and shame
The weight I encounter most often is guilt and shame. Many men carry a deep sense that they were somehow responsible, that they should have stopped it, said something, fought back or known better. I felt that too. A child cannot be responsible for the actions of an adult, yet that belief can settle in early and remain for decades.
Shame goes further still. Where guilt says 'I did something wrong', shame says 'there is something wrong with me'. For boys raised on messages about strength, toughness and self-reliance, being abused can feel like a failure of the very thing they were told a man should be. Some men also wrestle with confusion about their own bodies' responses at the time. That confusion can feed the shame for years if no one ever explains that a body responding is not the same as consent.
Much of my work with these men is about gently loosening that grip. Creating a space where they can look at what happened with the eyes of the adult they are now, and begin to offer the boy they once were some of the understanding he never received, allows them to start processing and shifting those emotions. That process takes time. It cannot be rushed, and it is rarely linear.
Betrayal, trust and relationships
Alongside the shame can sit a profound sense of betrayal. In many cases the abuser is not a stranger but someone known to the child, often someone trusted: a family member, a coach, a teacher, a leader in the community. When the people who were meant to keep you safe are the ones who harm you, the lesson learned is that closeness itself is dangerous.
That lesson does not disappear with adulthood. It can show up as difficulty trusting a partner, a reluctance to let anyone get too close, a need to stay in control, or a tendency to leave relationships before they have the chance to hurt. Some men find physical intimacy complicated or distressing. Others become fiercely protective, or struggle with their own sense of safety when they become fathers. Partners often feel the effects without understanding their source, which can leave both people feeling lost.
Why disclosure is so hard for men
Men frequently wait many years, sometimes decades, before telling anyone what happened to them, and some never do. The reasons are understandable: the fear of not being believed, the fear of being judged, the worry that others will see them as weak or damaged, and for some the fear that people will wrongly assume an abused boy will go on to abuse.
When a man does finally speak, the response he receives is key. A disclosure met with disbelief, awkwardness or a quick change of subject can send him back into silence for years. A disclosure met with solidity and compassion can be the first step towards something different.
Male survivors and the VAWG strategy
The wider picture matters too. The current Violence Against Women and Girls (VAWG) strategy addresses crucial issues, and the harm it seeks to prevent is real and serious. Yet by framing the national response around women and girls, it leaves boys and men without a name. Male victims are relegated to a separate position statement, and the CPS VAWG Strategy 2025-30 makes no reference to men or boys, despite the CPS's own information on male victims committing to justice for all victims.
For male survivors, who already struggle to see their experience reflected anywhere, that absence sends a message: that their story does not fit, and that services are built for someone else. Giving equal recognition to male survivors takes nothing away from women and girls. It simply acknowledges that abuse does not respect gender, and that every child who is harmed deserves to be seen.
Moving forward is possible
I have experienced it myself and witnessed it many times. Moving forward does not mean forgetting, and it does not mean the past no longer matters. It looks more like a man gradually putting down the belief that it was his fault, discovering that he can be held by another person and still be safe, and finding ways of living that no longer depend on numbing or avoiding what he carries.
For some, that begins in a therapy room. For many of the men I work with, it begins on a hillside through Walk & Talk therapy, walking side by side, where words come a little more easily without the pressure of eye contact. Often it starts with a single conversation with someone who listens without flinching.
Support for male survivors of childhood sexual abuse
If any of this feels familiar, please know that what happened was not your fault, and you do not have to carry it alone.
Safeline - National Male Survivors Helpline (0808 800 5005) and online support
SurvivorsUK - web chat and text support for men, boys and non-binary people
We Are Survivors - telephone and online support, based in Manchester
Male Survivors Partnership - a network of organisations working with male survivors, with help finding local support
I would also recommend Jeremy Sachs' book, An Intersectional Guide for Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse and their Allies, which I have found invaluable both as a survivor and as a practitioner.
If you would like to explore one-to-one online therapy or Walk & Talk therapy in the Lake District and Yorkshire Dales, you are welcome to get in touch.
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