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The Grief That Shows Up at Christmas

  • Writer: Stephen
    Stephen
  • Dec 8, 2025
  • 4 min read

(Even When You Don’t Talk About It)


How men experience grief at Christmas - and practical ways to steady yourself when the season feels tough.

Last week I spoke with a man who was wrestling with panic attacks and what he called 'irrational' racing thoughts about going to a Christmas party. Except it wasn’t irrational at all. It was the first time he’d gone away since his father died, and his whole world felt different. His nervous system recognised the shift long before his mind did - the party wasn’t just a party anymore. It was a reminder that nothing is quite the same as it was before.


For a lot of men, grief at Christmas shows up this way. The world turns up the volume on 'joy,' yet your chest feels heavy, sleep becomes unpredictable, and small things set you on edge. That’s grief. It’s not necessarily about tears - sometimes it appears as anger, numbness, over-working, irritability, or the sudden urge to withdraw. If this is you, this is just your body and mind responding to loss in the best way they know how.


Grief stings at Christmas - a man alone

Why Grief Stings More at Christmas

Grief doesn’t follow a neat script. It’s not an orderly process - no matter how much we might want to rationalise it. I see it more like weather moving across a mountain - clear one minute, blowing a gale the next. Against this, many men have been taught to handle storms by putting their head down and pushing on. That’s useful on a winter fell; not so useful when the storm is inside you.


Christmas amplifies whatever is already there. It’s a season built around gathering, remembering, and celebration - the very things that highlight loss.


Common triggers include:

  • The empty chair at the table

  • The first Christmas without someone

  • Old family wounds resurfacing

  • A relationship that’s broken or faded

  • Returning to places that no longer feel the same

If December hits harder, it’s not weakness. It’s human.

How Grief Commonly Shows Up in Men

Grief in men is often misunderstood because it rarely looks like the stereotype.


It may show up as:

  • Irritability or anger - your internal alarm system is stuck on high.

  • Over-functioning - taking control to avoid feeling.

  • Numbness - the body pulling the emotional handbrake.

  • Isolation - ghosting plans because connection feels risky.

  • Aches, fatigue, brain fog - because grief is physical, not just emotional.

None of these signs mean something is 'wrong'. They are signals - your nervous system asking for steadiness, space, and honesty about what’s going on for you.


Grief needs a form of expression. It doesn’t have to be dramatic. Try lighting a candle

Five Ways to Hold Grief This Christmas (That Actually Help)

1. Give Yourself Permission

Men often treat grief like a task to finish. It isn’t.Write yourself a simple permission slip:

  • 'I can step outside for air if I need to.'

  • 'I don’t have to entertain everyone.'

  • 'I can take this slowly.'

Keep it in your pocket and use it when the pressure starts to climb.


2. Plan an ‘Anchor Day’

Choose one day you can design on your terms - a walk to their favourite place, a meal they loved, a playlist, a quiet moment. Anchors reduce dread and your system relaxes when it knows what’s coming.


3. Small Rituals Matter

Grief needs a form of expression. It doesn’t have to be dramatic. Try:

  • Lighting a candle

  • Placing a photo somewhere meaningful

  • Sharing a memorable story

  • Writing a note to keep in a coat pocket


Rituals help to give shape to feelings that have none.


4. The 2-Minute Body Reset

When you feel the wave of grief rising:

  1. Stand with your feet hip-width apart and keep your knees soft.

  2. Inhale through the nose for 4 seconds.

  3. Exhale through the mouth for 6 seconds - adding a sigh if that feels safe.

  4. Name one sensation - tight throat, heavy chest, unsettled stomach.

  5. Press your feet into the ground. Feel each part of your foot in turn.


Longer exhales activate your parasympathetic system.Naming sensations settles you faster than trying to 'think' your way out.Grounding brings you back into your body.


5. Have Boundary Lines Ready

You don’t need a debate. You just need one or two pre-prepared lines:

  • 'I’m here, and I’m taking this bit slowly.'

  • 'I’m stepping outside for ten minutes - back soon.'

  • 'I’d rather skip that this year and keep it simple.'

  • If someone pushes: 'I appreciate it. Not today.'


Boundaries aren’t conflict. They’re oxygen.


If You’re Supporting a Man Who’s Grieving

Keep it practical and shoulder-to-shoulder. Try:

  • 'Would it help if I…?'

  • Offering a walk or a drive

  • Inviting movement (stacking wood, making tea, cooking)


Men often talk more easily when the body is occupied and the pressure is low.


A Word on Alcohol, Numbing, and Over-Doing It

December invites numbing: scrolling, drinking, pushing through, staying up late.If you notice yourself drifting, call yourself back with one small choice:

  • An earlier night

  • A short walk

  • A quiet morning

  • A day off the booze


Not perfection - direction.


You Don’t Have to Talk About Grief for It to Matter

Grief is love with nowhere obvious to go. So give it somewhere: a ritual, a walk, a conversation, a breath, or a moment of truth with yourself.


You don’t have to be fearless. You just have to be willing.


If this season feels heavy, there are ways to approach it differently - and you don’t have to figure them out alone.


Try This Today

  • Stand still.

  • Inhale for 4 seconds.

  • Exhale for 6 seconds.

  • Repeat ten times.

  • Name one sensation.

  • Name one warm memory.


That’s enough for now.


If you're struggling and would like to explore working with me online, or in person Walk and Talk, get in touch - even over the Christmas season.



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