Men and Loneliness: Who’s Really Got Your Back?
- Stephen
- Sep 3
- 4 min read
When you think back to being young, friendships often felt effortless. At school, in sports teams, at university or in the early years of work, your mates were simply there. You didn’t have to schedule it or think too much about it - connection was built into everyday life.
But as we grow older, something shifts. Careers take over. Partners and kids reshape our priorities. People move away. And sometimes we simply change, finding ourselves no longer in tune with the friends we once had. Without meaning to, the friendships that once felt natural begin to fade.
For many men, that fading connection slowly turns into silence. We wait for someone else to make the first move, but when no one does, the distance grows. Over time, it becomes harder to admit just how disconnected we feel.
Loneliness Isn’t Just Being Alone
Loneliness doesn’t always mean sitting by yourself in an empty room. You can be in a busy household, surrounded by colleagues, or active in group chats and still feel isolated. Men often describe it as being 'out of the loop’, 'feeling cut off’, or like nobody really understands them.
The problem is that loneliness doesn’t just affect mood - it chips away at overall health. Studies suggest its impact can be as harmful as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, raising the risk of anxiety, depression, and even physical illness. For men, who are often taught to downplay their emotional needs, this can be particularly damaging.
How Many Friends Do We Really Need?
It’s easy to believe that more friends means more connection, but research shows otherwise. The 'magic number' for mental health is surprisingly small: around three to five close friends.
These are the friends you trust. The ones who 'get' you. The people you can turn to when life feels heavy. Fewer than three can leave men vulnerable to loneliness, but more than five doesn’t necessarily add much. It’s not the number of friendships that matters - it’s the quality.
Why Depth Matters More Than Numbers
We live in a world full of acquaintances and online contacts. Social media can make it seem like we’re well connected, but these interactions rarely replace the depth of real friendship.
For men especially, the difference is striking. True friends don’t just nod along or click 'like.' They support you, but they also challenge you when you’re drifting. They hold a mirror up to the parts of yourself you’d rather keep hidden. They push you to grow into a better version of who you are.
I’ve experienced this in men’s groups I’ve been part of - special call out to Andy Caine with his Zero and Mettle Men’s Groups. He is a master in this respect. In those spaces, the conversations go far beyond small talk. They’ve supported me, encouraged me, and - crucially - challenged me to question the parts of myself I’d buried in the shadows. That hasn’t always been comfortable, but it’s been vital for growth.
Deep connection isn’t about being agreed with. It’s about being seen, supported, and sometimes lovingly challenged.
The Critical Issue: Men With No Close Friends
One of the most worrying trends is the growing number of men who now say they don’t have a single close friend they could turn to in a moment of need. For older men, the risk is even higher.
If this is your reality, it can feel painful to admit - and overwhelming to know where to begin. But it’s never too late to reconnect.
Sometimes it starts with a simple message to an old mate, even if years have passed. Sometimes it means stepping into something new - a walking group, a men’s shed, a sports club, or a men’s circle. These spaces matter because they break down barriers. They offer companionship, but also a place where men don’t have to wear a mask. Then, when activity is involved - walking, fixing, playing sport - conversation often flows more naturally.
For older men especially, these groups can be life-saving. They provide not just connection but also belonging, purpose, and community.
Rebuilding Connection as an Adult
Friendship in adulthood takes effort, but the rewards are enormous. Here are some ways men can begin to rebuild connection:
Reach out first - even if it feels awkward. The friend you’re thinking of has probably thought of you too.
Prioritise energising friendships - spend more time with those who leave you lighter, not drained.
Be intentional - put time with friends in the diary and treat it as seriously as work commitments.
Join spaces with shared values - men’s groups, sports clubs, walking groups, or volunteering. It doesn’t always have to be about the pub.
Allow depth - banter has its place, but don’t shy away from sharing something real. Friendships grow stronger when we let the mask slip.
Why This Matters for Men’s Mental Health
The reality is stark: three out of four suicides are men. Isolation is one of the biggest risk factors.
When men have genuine support, they are less likely to spiral into depression, less likely to numb themselves with unhealthy habits, and less likely to reach the point where suicide feels like the only option. Strong friendships are not a luxury - they are a lifeline.
We don’t need 20 mates around us. What we need is a handful of people who’ve got our backs - and who know we’ve got theirs.
A Closing Thought
With Suicide Awareness Day on September 10th, it’s worth asking yourself: Who do you want to reach out to this week?
It might be an old friend you’ve not spoken to for years. It might be someone you only know in passing but feel a connection with. Or it might mean stepping into a new group where men are showing up for each other.
Loneliness is real - but connection is possible. It starts with one small step.
If this is something you want to explore further with me, get in touch.
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